[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
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Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy