OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
You Might Also Like
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do