Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
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*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey