My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I finally found a reason to live again.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.