Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
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The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn鈥檛 show (Would like park service to train them):
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I鈥檓 ready to settle down
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
It鈥檚 been a weird day so I鈥檓 shaving my eyebrows off.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
It鈥檚 her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I鈥檝e been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I鈥檓 late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 馃槶 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 馃え
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I鈥檓 not gonna be picky.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products