Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
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HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.