*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
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Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.