How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
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2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Can. I. Help. You.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’