There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
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[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote