Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
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There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
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Wish it had walls