Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
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Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.