blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
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[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
nyc:
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
do u think theres a butter planet?
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.