Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
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added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
He a real one for that
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS