Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
You Might Also Like
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Me checking my bank balance online.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty