wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
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I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4