People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
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Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I don’t know what to do
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-