You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
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i made a craigslist ad !
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
🛁
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.