Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
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[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.