Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
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I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
britain’s three elite institutions
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
But I really needed water water water
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.