DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
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if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.