I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
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Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
We decided to have money instead of children.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily