Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
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“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I get distracted pretty eas
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery