Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
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I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
The news is so predictable nowadays
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her