Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
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Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.