One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.