“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
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Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
thanksgiving in nutshell
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Worth remembering.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career