As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
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doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep