Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
You Might Also Like
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.