I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
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Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
i choose….tongue
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.