I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
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I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
me 2 months after i graduated
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
#gardening
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Found my door mat
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.