Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
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Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.