I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
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Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Always a metermaid never a meter
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Can Happiness buy money?
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.