Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
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Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm