[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
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FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
The glory of fall.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Stop correcting my vodkabulary