me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
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what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass