“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
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“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing