I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
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The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
If a snake ate a cake
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house