Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
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Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
This guy gets it.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.