Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
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I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark