COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
You Might Also Like
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
asking santa clause for nudes
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Selfie
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please