“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
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Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My time has come.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
called in thicc to work this morning
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse