Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
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A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.