billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
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You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.