Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
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Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!