[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
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There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
The French word for sex is croissant.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.