My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
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15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
🤣😂🤣
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything