parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
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Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Botany good plants lately?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.