McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
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You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible