Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
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Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”