[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
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“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Admin smashed it 😂
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.